The UMH house of jokes.

[Ghost_of_War]

French bashing...

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country." - Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." - General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." - Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" - Jacques Chirac, President of France.
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." - Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." - P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." - John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." - Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" - Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." - David Letterman

[Kindness]

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." - Norman Schwartzkopf

Excerpted from Accordian to Us by snopes.com, 19 February 2003
These words were spoken by Jed Babbin, a former deputy undersecretary of defense in the first Bush administration, during a 30 January 2003 appearance on the political talk show Hardball. The full comment (offered during the course of a discussion about differences between U.S. and European policy towards Iraq) was: " . . . you know frankly, going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind."

Since Jed Babbin doesn't currently hold a position in the U.S. government (he served as deputy undersecretary of defense under President George H.W. Bush, the father of the current President, back in late 1980s) and is hardly a household name, this quote has been attributed to several other more prominent political and military figures, including current Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Persian Gulf War commander General Norman Schwarzkopf, and former presidential candidate Ross Perot.

[Ghost_of_War]

Originally posted by Kindness
"These words were spoken by Jed Babbin, a former deputy undersecretary of defense in the first Bush administration, during a 30 January 2003 appearance on the political talk show Hardball. The full comment (offered during the course of a discussion about differences between U.S. and French policy towards Iraq) was: " . . . you know frankly, going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind."

I didn't extract the information personally and since it was meant as a joke (not a political statement) I didn't verify every quote.

You did find it amusing... right?

[Kindness]

(I posted a joke at the expense of the French and got a lot of complaints and controversy.)

I found it intriguing that Norman Schwartzkopf did not say that quote yet it's attributed to him all over the place on the Internet. Such an interesting medium, you can get the urban myths and urban myths-debunked all from the same source. It's just fun.

That's why, in part, I post the source where I found something whenever possible. Sorta of maintains the chain of credulity or incredulity, whichever applies.

[Ghost_of_War]

Originally posted by Kindness
[BThat's why, in part, I post the source where I found something whenever possible. Sorta of maintains the chain of credulity or incredulity, whichever applies. [/b]

That's too much work and seriousness for this thread.

[Zealot_Hunter]

Thanks for Sig quotes GOW!!!

[p00p]

okay here is a stupid one (trust me)

what goes: blonde | brown | blonde | brown | blonde | brown......





































madonna doing cartwheels

[Zinia]

I don't care who said it, GoW. Those are funny as hell.

[tr@xtandn]

LMAO p00p!!!

[-dgnr8-]

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil. . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . .we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[-dgnr8-]

They're maken another Remake of the Exorcist -
This time, the mother hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her Son...

[Ghost_of_War]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor: Wisconsin Style."

The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New York license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

1: I'm gay.
2: I'm a vegetarian.
3: Bratwurst clogs your arteries.
4: The Green Bay Packers suck. Go Giants!
5: Cheese is high in cholesterol.
6: Hillary in 2004.
7: Deer Hunting is murder.
8: I'm here to confiscate your guns!

The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive, and with all limbs attached, wins! Good luck to all contestants!

[p00p]

Moe: " If i catch you , im going to stick sausages down your throat and shove hungry dogs up your butt!"

[Ghost_of_War]

1. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

[tr@xtandn]

Originally posted by Ghost_of_War
1. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...

omg. I am going to have to use that at work today...

Because there is always f*ck ups at my work
not that I have anything to do w them