River
06-23-2007, 01:57 AM
You know, for the longest time now people have asked me to help them improve their game, how to improve their aim, how to get more dark horse’s, more head shots, more killing spree’s. So I thought I’d write up something on simple things that players can do that can help them do better in UT2004 over time. Let’s begin!
So you wanna be pro eh? You think you got what it takes to pwn those pro playerz from pure., OwN, USSR, and…. (FM)?! Well, you are WRONG! You are weak and just a posur! FEAR WORMBO AND HIS PRO SKILLZ WITH THE KB!!!
The first step to be pro is good internet access. That’s right boys and tomboys, without ping you will suck major ass in all levels of playing. And every l33t pro in UT knows the best way to get on the net and be pro is through America Online (that’s AOL if you’re super pro like me, but you aren’t ready for that pro **** yet). With AOL you will have a 50mb per second up and down fiber optic line straight to your PC because viruseseses and haxzorz are not pro enough for them they don’t even require firewallzzz. It only costs like $20 a month and if you’re super pro like me and my pet starfish, you can just call them and threaten them and tell them how pro you are they they will give you that **** for free. They will fear you and yer headshot skillz and run and hide. Only if you’re pro though.
GO GET AOL RIGHT NOW OR YOU CANNOT BE PRO!
You might wanna write that down like right now before you forget it because your feeble mind falls inwards from all the pro **** I just dropped on you. But hey if you don’t have to that’s great and you are wicked sick genius and will be pro in no time, am I right?!
Also you need to talk like a pro. You have to add lots of Z’s at the endz of wordz instead of S’s and where S’s aren’t needed, because that’s how that pro **** is done AMIRITE?! Did you note that word? AMIRITE? Make sure you say that a lot tooz. K. O. R u sur?! And rly! Make sure you use all that **** all the time.
Wow so like your first lesson is over and you are getting pro already HUH. Opened up with a big bang didn’t I?! Is their a new universe in your head now?!?!?!?! Ok moving on.
Now, you have to go to the internet with your pro AOL and download all the bots and radarz you can find through torrentz and limewire. Make sure you install them all and have them all running at the same time becausez that’s how proz do it. If you get caught with them you have to deny you ever read this. You might also get on a ban list with a bunch of SUPER pro peoplez like Blunt and most of lethal. But only if you’re lucky.
Every great player knows that part of being a pro UT2004 pwnzorz is bragging about what you’ve done and ****. Otherwise who will know that you’re THAT pro?! You will just be another lamer out there playing TAM and being PRO and they will only think you bot. So what I say you do is go into rooms like #purepressure #2k4tdm #2k4ctf and irc.enterthegame.com and when you get in be sure to repeat pro **** like:
“I AM A PRO UT2K4 DOOD! F34R MY PRO AIMBOTSKILLZ I BEAT YOU ALL IN 1v1!!!!!! I USE AOL I HAXORD THEMZ!”
And keep scrolling that until someone responds. Even if you never beat them before don’t worry, just claim you have otherwise you will just be another lamer on UT2k4 networkz. This is the only way that they will think you’re pro.
And don’t worry if they kick you out, that is just a sign of respect that they fear you and you are pro. They fear your aim skillz so much that they don’t want you in there haxzoring up their channelz. And don’t worry if they ban you from it, since you are on AOL its like 100% impossible and you are 2pro4THEMZ!!!!
After awhile of being pro and doing pro like the above. Many people are going to be looking for you. Like ´sk, Ender, Wormbo, a bunch of TWL noobz. They will want to ban you from all of UT by UTAN, which is super pro topicz I can’t even explain right now. But remember, you’re on AOL, you can’t be banned from anything. See kiddies, I told you there was a reason for the above steps. A bunch of noobs might skip a step but don’t worry I spent like 10 yearz writing this so everything is planned out and the New York Timez is like OMFG Rivah This is MASTUR PIECE!
DON”T SKIP STEPZ! YOU CANNOT BE PRO IF YOU SKIP STEPZ! YOUR WIENER WILL BE HAXORZ IF YOU SKIP STEPZ!
Jebus now its time for lesson 3. Now that you’re flying down the road to being PRO. Every pro player knows the following: you have to show off your pro knowledge otherwise no one will think yer pro. AMIRITE?! Of course I am. Know the following or you cannot be pro!
UTAN - Uterus Transgression A$$hole Network. It’s used by all the pro adminz in UT2k4 to keep UT free of proz like you and I. But don’t worry we are on AOL and we pwnz their intense defenses and stolen their tacoz.
AntiTCC – This is anti-pro software. If it finds out that you are being too pro on a servaar it will kick you and try to ban you. But its outdated like Dolly Parton’s vagina and doesn’t werk anymore so don’t worry if you see it.
TAM – Team Arena Mastur. You can only be pro if you play this. Don’t bother with anything else it is not pro eNUFF and you will crash servaarz with your pro skillz OMFG WTF WAS THAT A FLY?!?! Ok back to definitions.
ISP – Internet Service Provider. You’re dumb go jump into a lake KTHXBIZ
AOL – The planets fastest, best customer support, and most reliable ISP on the face of the planet and even Marz (I have been their internet is slow I pwnzord their alien PC’s with pro hax I dl’d from torrent). Sometimes they will call trying to sell you crap and you have to buy it all or be a lamerz!
Radarz – Only pro people use these because walls are for pussys.
Aimbotz – Only pro people use these because mice are for pussys.
Sh0k Rifle – the worse weapon in UT and is never used because of how gay it is. DO NOT USE SHOK OR YOU WILL BE LAMERZ!
Mini – Mini gun. Best rifle. Always use this all the time and make sure people complain you are using it too much.
Tri Rox – The most pro way to kill people. When you spawn in TAM and you have run out of mini ammo (which never happenz because eyou are pro and kill all with 300 ammo) you start charging rockets. Just hold down right click and bunny hop around the map!
Shield gun – when you are not shooting you need to have this up all the time. And if you see someone make sure you equip it and run around a corner and start charging rockets. BECAUSE they are not pro like you they will die from the sure awesomeness of your rox.
Lag – what lamerz say when they don’t have AOL and cannot haxzor servaarz like pro’s can. If you ever die in UT (which proz never do) make sure you say lag.
PL – Packet Loss. Once again bone head you don’t have this because you are on the worlds best ISP and never get PL or LAG because you ping 0 on all servaarz.
BS – Beatiful Shot. Its what lamerz say when you do pro movez. Don’t worry, they f34r j00z, not jews, YOUZ! God pay attention!
Suicide – The best command ever. Make sure you bind this to all the ekys around your arrows (because only proz use arrow keys). Anytime you are about to die make sure you hit the suicide key. Its pro.
Fag – no not Ricky Martin, F_cking Awesome Gamerz– It’s what lamerz will call you when you tri rox and mini them to deathhhh.
Okay now that you have that down its time to do some pro playing in TAM servaarz. Just pick random noob servers full of bitchy whiny brats that f34r J00, my favorite is male modelz, they have a Professional TAM server (oxymoron ammirite?!?!? LOOOOL!). When you join make sure you switch teams a bunch. Anytime you die you have to spectate and join again so they think you’re pro with 0 deaths at the end of the game. ONLY USE REZ! Anytime you get rez and its 4vs1 make sure you rez that dead player and get pro points! And when people start bitching about how pro you are just start sending mass emails to the server admins. Tell them how pro you are and how much you haxzor their servers and how many cdkeyz you steal from their players. Watch how fast they fear you.
OK KIDZ that’s it for now. I think we’re all pro enough. AND FRAG SOME FAGS! GL HAVE FUN! :D
So you wanna be pro eh? You think you got what it takes to pwn those pro playerz from pure., OwN, USSR, and…. (FM)?! Well, you are WRONG! You are weak and just a posur! FEAR WORMBO AND HIS PRO SKILLZ WITH THE KB!!!
The first step to be pro is good internet access. That’s right boys and tomboys, without ping you will suck major ass in all levels of playing. And every l33t pro in UT knows the best way to get on the net and be pro is through America Online (that’s AOL if you’re super pro like me, but you aren’t ready for that pro **** yet). With AOL you will have a 50mb per second up and down fiber optic line straight to your PC because viruseseses and haxzorz are not pro enough for them they don’t even require firewallzzz. It only costs like $20 a month and if you’re super pro like me and my pet starfish, you can just call them and threaten them and tell them how pro you are they they will give you that **** for free. They will fear you and yer headshot skillz and run and hide. Only if you’re pro though.
GO GET AOL RIGHT NOW OR YOU CANNOT BE PRO!
You might wanna write that down like right now before you forget it because your feeble mind falls inwards from all the pro **** I just dropped on you. But hey if you don’t have to that’s great and you are wicked sick genius and will be pro in no time, am I right?!
Also you need to talk like a pro. You have to add lots of Z’s at the endz of wordz instead of S’s and where S’s aren’t needed, because that’s how that pro **** is done AMIRITE?! Did you note that word? AMIRITE? Make sure you say that a lot tooz. K. O. R u sur?! And rly! Make sure you use all that **** all the time.
Wow so like your first lesson is over and you are getting pro already HUH. Opened up with a big bang didn’t I?! Is their a new universe in your head now?!?!?!?! Ok moving on.
Now, you have to go to the internet with your pro AOL and download all the bots and radarz you can find through torrentz and limewire. Make sure you install them all and have them all running at the same time becausez that’s how proz do it. If you get caught with them you have to deny you ever read this. You might also get on a ban list with a bunch of SUPER pro peoplez like Blunt and most of lethal. But only if you’re lucky.
Every great player knows that part of being a pro UT2004 pwnzorz is bragging about what you’ve done and ****. Otherwise who will know that you’re THAT pro?! You will just be another lamer out there playing TAM and being PRO and they will only think you bot. So what I say you do is go into rooms like #purepressure #2k4tdm #2k4ctf and irc.enterthegame.com and when you get in be sure to repeat pro **** like:
“I AM A PRO UT2K4 DOOD! F34R MY PRO AIMBOTSKILLZ I BEAT YOU ALL IN 1v1!!!!!! I USE AOL I HAXORD THEMZ!”
And keep scrolling that until someone responds. Even if you never beat them before don’t worry, just claim you have otherwise you will just be another lamer on UT2k4 networkz. This is the only way that they will think you’re pro.
And don’t worry if they kick you out, that is just a sign of respect that they fear you and you are pro. They fear your aim skillz so much that they don’t want you in there haxzoring up their channelz. And don’t worry if they ban you from it, since you are on AOL its like 100% impossible and you are 2pro4THEMZ!!!!
After awhile of being pro and doing pro like the above. Many people are going to be looking for you. Like ´sk, Ender, Wormbo, a bunch of TWL noobz. They will want to ban you from all of UT by UTAN, which is super pro topicz I can’t even explain right now. But remember, you’re on AOL, you can’t be banned from anything. See kiddies, I told you there was a reason for the above steps. A bunch of noobs might skip a step but don’t worry I spent like 10 yearz writing this so everything is planned out and the New York Timez is like OMFG Rivah This is MASTUR PIECE!
DON”T SKIP STEPZ! YOU CANNOT BE PRO IF YOU SKIP STEPZ! YOUR WIENER WILL BE HAXORZ IF YOU SKIP STEPZ!
Jebus now its time for lesson 3. Now that you’re flying down the road to being PRO. Every pro player knows the following: you have to show off your pro knowledge otherwise no one will think yer pro. AMIRITE?! Of course I am. Know the following or you cannot be pro!
UTAN - Uterus Transgression A$$hole Network. It’s used by all the pro adminz in UT2k4 to keep UT free of proz like you and I. But don’t worry we are on AOL and we pwnz their intense defenses and stolen their tacoz.
AntiTCC – This is anti-pro software. If it finds out that you are being too pro on a servaar it will kick you and try to ban you. But its outdated like Dolly Parton’s vagina and doesn’t werk anymore so don’t worry if you see it.
TAM – Team Arena Mastur. You can only be pro if you play this. Don’t bother with anything else it is not pro eNUFF and you will crash servaarz with your pro skillz OMFG WTF WAS THAT A FLY?!?! Ok back to definitions.
ISP – Internet Service Provider. You’re dumb go jump into a lake KTHXBIZ
AOL – The planets fastest, best customer support, and most reliable ISP on the face of the planet and even Marz (I have been their internet is slow I pwnzord their alien PC’s with pro hax I dl’d from torrent). Sometimes they will call trying to sell you crap and you have to buy it all or be a lamerz!
Radarz – Only pro people use these because walls are for pussys.
Aimbotz – Only pro people use these because mice are for pussys.
Sh0k Rifle – the worse weapon in UT and is never used because of how gay it is. DO NOT USE SHOK OR YOU WILL BE LAMERZ!
Mini – Mini gun. Best rifle. Always use this all the time and make sure people complain you are using it too much.
Tri Rox – The most pro way to kill people. When you spawn in TAM and you have run out of mini ammo (which never happenz because eyou are pro and kill all with 300 ammo) you start charging rockets. Just hold down right click and bunny hop around the map!
Shield gun – when you are not shooting you need to have this up all the time. And if you see someone make sure you equip it and run around a corner and start charging rockets. BECAUSE they are not pro like you they will die from the sure awesomeness of your rox.
Lag – what lamerz say when they don’t have AOL and cannot haxzor servaarz like pro’s can. If you ever die in UT (which proz never do) make sure you say lag.
PL – Packet Loss. Once again bone head you don’t have this because you are on the worlds best ISP and never get PL or LAG because you ping 0 on all servaarz.
BS – Beatiful Shot. Its what lamerz say when you do pro movez. Don’t worry, they f34r j00z, not jews, YOUZ! God pay attention!
Suicide – The best command ever. Make sure you bind this to all the ekys around your arrows (because only proz use arrow keys). Anytime you are about to die make sure you hit the suicide key. Its pro.
Fag – no not Ricky Martin, F_cking Awesome Gamerz– It’s what lamerz will call you when you tri rox and mini them to deathhhh.
Okay now that you have that down its time to do some pro playing in TAM servaarz. Just pick random noob servers full of bitchy whiny brats that f34r J00, my favorite is male modelz, they have a Professional TAM server (oxymoron ammirite?!?!? LOOOOL!). When you join make sure you switch teams a bunch. Anytime you die you have to spectate and join again so they think you’re pro with 0 deaths at the end of the game. ONLY USE REZ! Anytime you get rez and its 4vs1 make sure you rez that dead player and get pro points! And when people start bitching about how pro you are just start sending mass emails to the server admins. Tell them how pro you are and how much you haxzor their servers and how many cdkeyz you steal from their players. Watch how fast they fear you.
OK KIDZ that’s it for now. I think we’re all pro enough. AND FRAG SOME FAGS! GL HAVE FUN! :D