The UMH house of jokes.

[Ghost_of_War]

French bashing...

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country." - Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." - General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." - Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" - Jacques Chirac, President of France.
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." - Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." - P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." - John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." - Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" - Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." - David Letterman

[Kindness]

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." - Norman Schwartzkopf
Excerpted from Accordian to Us (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/babbin.htm) by snopes.com (http://www.snopes.com/), 19 February 2003
These words were spoken by Jed Babbin, a former deputy undersecretary of defense in the first Bush administration, during a 30 January 2003 appearance on the political talk show Hardball. The full comment (offered during the course of a discussion about differences between U.S. and European policy towards Iraq) was: " . . . you know frankly, going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind."

Since Jed Babbin doesn't currently hold a position in the U.S. government (he served as deputy undersecretary of defense under President George H.W. Bush, the father of the current President, back in late 1980s) and is hardly a household name, this quote has been attributed to several other more prominent political and military figures, including current Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Persian Gulf War commander General Norman Schwarzkopf, and former presidential candidate Ross Perot.

[Ghost_of_War]

Originally posted by Kindness
"These words were spoken by Jed Babbin, a former deputy undersecretary of defense in the first Bush administration, during a 30 January 2003 appearance on the political talk show Hardball. The full comment (offered during the course of a discussion about differences between U.S. and French policy towards Iraq) was: " . . . you know frankly, going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind."


I didn't extract the information personally and since it was meant as a joke (not a political statement) I didn't verify every quote.

You did find it amusing... right? :p

[Kindness]

(I posted (http://www.unrealplayground.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=11803) a joke at the expense of the French and got a lot of complaints and controversy.)

I found it intriguing that Norman Schwartzkopf did not say that quote yet it's attributed to him all over the place on the Internet. Such an interesting medium, you can get the urban myths and urban myths-debunked all from the same source. It's just fun.

That's why, in part, I post the source where I found something whenever possible. Sorta of maintains the chain of credulity or incredulity, whichever applies. :)

[Ghost_of_War]

Originally posted by Kindness
[BThat's why, in part, I post the source where I found something whenever possible. Sorta of maintains the chain of credulity or incredulity, whichever applies. :) [/B]

That's too much work and seriousness for this thread. :D

[Zealot_Hunter]

Thanks for Sig quotes GOW!!!

[p00p]

okay here is a stupid one (trust me)

what goes: blonde | brown | blonde | brown | blonde | brown......





































madonna doing cartwheels:p

[Zinia]

I don't care who said it, GoW. Those are funny as hell.

[tr@xtandn]

LMAO p00p!!!

[-dgnr8-]

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil. . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . .we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[-dgnr8-]

They're maken another Remake of the Exorcist -
This time, the mother hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her Son...

[Ghost_of_War]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor: Wisconsin Style."

The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New York license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

1: I'm gay.
2: I'm a vegetarian.
3: Bratwurst clogs your arteries.
4: The Green Bay Packers suck. Go Giants!
5: Cheese is high in cholesterol.
6: Hillary in 2004.
7: Deer Hunting is murder.
8: I'm here to confiscate your guns!

The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive, and with all limbs attached, wins! Good luck to all contestants!

[p00p]

Moe: " If i catch you , im going to stick sausages down your throat and shove hungry dogs up your butt!"

[Ghost_of_War]

1. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

[tr@xtandn]

Originally posted by Ghost_of_War
1. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...





omg. I am going to have to use that at work today...

Because there is always f*ck ups at my work
not that I have anything to do w them:rolleyes:

[p00p]

::: CHRIS ROCK:

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war. And the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."

[Ghost_of_War]

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

[Zinia]

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey
kiss in his mouth and asked, Do you know what it is?"

No, I don't," said the little boy.

Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"


:D

[Ghost_of_War]

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin or Missouri,those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all month at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road. ' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your ass kicked. . . by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 10-inch trout you fish for. . .bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have half of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So you're a feminist, isn't that cute...

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. Interstates 70 & 80 go two ways-Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, our crime rates really are that low and yes, we all have guns too.

19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

20. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. . . his name is "Sir", no matter how old he is.

[Zinia]

Originally posted by Ghost_of_War
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your ass kicked. . . by our women.

lmao

That's what I noticed when I went back to Iowa last month. Corn-fed, bellied up to the slots at Prairie Meadow. :D

[Ghost_of_War]

1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words To Know And Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors. An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide To Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mother Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George And The High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It: I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets A Casket
14. The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have The Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking And Crying To Get Your Way
19. You Were An Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop!!! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?
25. Why Can't Mr. Fork And Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
:D

[Ghost_of_War]

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Below are the results:

CHICK DRINKS
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.


Then there is the male addendum to these rules. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

GUY DRINKS
Drink: Domestic Beer
Personality: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Drink Good Beer
Personality: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Drink: Wine
Personality: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Drink: Whiskey
Personality: He doesn't give two ****'s about anything but getting laid.

Drink: Tequila
Personality: Piss off, all you wenches, I'm gonna go shag something.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: He is gay.

:D

[Fl[e]ck]

Look I found a pic of Creeper and his box of white zin

By GoW: :D

[tr@xtandn]

Hmmmm...why do I have a feeling this isn't Creeper....

Besides the fact I have had to encounter his ugly mug
many times.....

/me thinks something is fishy around here:rolleyes:

[Ghost_of_War]

:D
http://www.clanumh.com/downloads/cat.zip

THIS IS A MUST-SEE!!!

[HOCANADA]

What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection????

A 1/4 pounder with cheeze....



Why did the little girl fall off the swings??

She had no arms...

[Fl[e]ck]

Originally posted by Fl[e]ck
Look I found a pic of Creeper and his box of white zin

By GoW: :D

Actually that does kinda look like Creeper-lol @GOW for the editing:D

Oh, And I doubt if Creeper could handle that box of white zin-that's a little strong for him, he usually goes for the white wine spritzer w/lemon;)

[tr@xtandn]

Originally posted by Fl[e]ck
Actually that does kinda look like Creeper-lol @GOW for the editing:D

Oh, And I doubt if Creeper could handle that box of white zin-that's a little strong for him, he usually goes for the white wine spritzer w/lemon;)


haha...we PDXers know this...
Give Creeper some a couple of beers and a....ummmm....
special cookie and he is done for the night

[1_LoSt_TaLiBaN]

well you should expect that.... shaves legs like women=drinks like women..... the 2 kinda go hand in hand

[Ghost_of_War]

Originally posted by Ghost_of_War
:D
http://www.clanumh.com/downloads/cat.zip

THIS IS A MUST-SEE!!!

Ahem...

:scratch:

[1_LoSt_TaLiBaN]

alright alright I watched it....... LMFAO..... thats brutal :spank:

specialy when the cat smacks the wall

[Creeper]

Forget it Ghost.. the moment a thread goes Creeper-bashing.. it's there for good. :evil:

[tr@xtandn]

haha..Creeper sux

[1_LoSt_TaLiBaN]

hmmmmmmmmmm goaties rox0r http://www.dgnr8.com/smilies/ymca.gif

[Ghost_of_War]

:D

[tr@xtandn]

lol...seems to werk for me

[Ghost_of_War]

Requests to users from all Technical support departments:

1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4. Send urgent emails all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

5. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

6. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

7. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

8. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

9. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

10. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

16. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

17. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

18. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

19. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

20. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. we don't have any money to speak of anyway.

21. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

22. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a Professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

23. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

24. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing $15,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?" That's another one that cracks us up to no end.

25. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.

26. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.

27. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that crap by heart.

28. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with our Johnson in our hands.

29. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.

30. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

31. If you miss Windows 3.1, find the line that goes shell=explorer.exe in your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it with shell=progman.exe. It makes troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that you don't.

32. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

[Ghost_of_War]

:D

[tr@xtandn]

http://www.varkoume.com/pics/pics/05eabebb44cc275f8ef85a65c82f8ac4.GIF

[Muad_Dib]

:D

[Ghost_of_War]

Hilliary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy, the lad replies.

"And what is your question Billy?" asks the Senator

"I actually have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical healthcare plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up: Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry", replies the boy.

"And what is your question?" she asks.

"I have five questions. First - whatever hapened to your medical healthcare plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Billy?"

[Ghost_of_War]

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you. (Al)

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

:D

[Dorkorama]

Weren't these already debunked by Snopes? :scratch:

[Ghost_of_War]

Weren't these already debunked by Snopes? :scratch:

:dunno:

[Ghost_of_War]

:beer:

[Ghost_of_War]

30 things you'll never hear a woman say.

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
3. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on third down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
4. Bar food again! Kick ass.
5. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
6. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
7. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
8. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?
9. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
10. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass.
11. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
12. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
13. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.
14. You are so much smarter than my father.
15. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.
16. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
17. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
18. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
19. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
20. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
21. I'll be out painting the house.
22. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.
23. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
24. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
25. Your mother is way better than mine.
26. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.
27. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.
28. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
29. Look! My ass is fatter than yours!
30. Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.

[tr@xtandn]

31. Oh, GoW...ur sooo hawt



:p

[Zinia]

32. Oh, tr@x, you are so smart.

[tr@xtandn]

33. Oh, Zinia, you arent ghey for GoW

;) <---usually states the user's tone of the post...


I noticed you didnt use one


...

[1_LoSt_TaLiBaN]

BUSH

"Monday on NBC Bush said about the war on terrorism, 'I don't think we can win it.' And yesterday he said at a rally, 'We will win it." John Kerry is furious. Now Bush is beating him on flip-flopping. Hey, that was his issue." --Jay Leno

"The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant Chevron.'" --Bill Maher

"The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'" --Bill Maher

"President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'" --Craig Kilborn

"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair." —Jay Leno

"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." —Jay Leno

"As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." —Craig Kilborn

"Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president." —Craig Kilborn

"Imagine if they delay the election. This could mean that Bush would be the longest serving president never to get elected." —Jay Leno, on reports that the election may be delayed in the event of a terrorist attack

"One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." —David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls." — Craig Kilborn

"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" —Jay Leno

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." —Jay Leno

"Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch — the environment hurting Bush." —Jay Leno

"President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike." —Jay Leno

"You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." —Jay Leno

"A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." —Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." —Jay Leno

"There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office." —David Letterman

"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." —Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." —Jay Leno

"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." —Jay Leno

"In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy." —Craig Kilborn

"Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?" —Jay Leno

"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher

"New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me." —Bill Maher

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'" —Jon Stewart

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." —Jay Leno

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman

"This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno

"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was." —Craig Kilborn

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training." —Jay Leno

"President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's — I guess he wasn't lying." —Jay Leno

"President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again." —David Letterman

KERRY

[Zinia]

"Behind in polls, Kerry shifts focus." Oh, wait. That's today's headline.

[Ghost_of_War]

"Behind in polls, Kerry shifts focus." Oh, wait. That's today's headline.

:p

[tr@xtandn]

lol, I bet this thread is closed by the time I get home from work

flame on!

[Zinia]

lol, I bet this thread is closed by the time I get home from work

flame on!

Why do you guys insist on flaming? gg

[1_LoSt_TaLiBaN]

why do you insist on using "you guys"? gg

[tr@xtandn]

Why do you guys insist on flaming? gg


uhhhhh
1. I flamed GoW, but I was kidding..then you flamed me
2. My post was implying that I was going to be away from the comp all day, because I was going to work. I figured "you guys" :rolleyes: would be flaming each other all day, so by the time I got home this thread would be closed
3. I find your hostility towards us funny, because of one thread, or maybe you have been building something up for a while I dunno...but it's amusing
4. gg

[Zinia]

3. I find your hostility towards us funny, because of one thread, or maybe you have been building something up for a while I dunno...but it's amusing

Hostility? You give yourself too much credit. ;)

[tr@xtandn]

So anyways, house of jokes, house of jokes....hmmmm

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side



hahaharoflmaohahahaa

[Zinia]

One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'

The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'

The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'

But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'

The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.

The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'

The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'

The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.

The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'

The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'

[Zinia]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


To "F" up our world.

[tr@xtandn]

rofl

[VicitmizingJkl]

yeah man I see ya point and actually half of those i tell my boss especially when he gets on the PA. he sounds like a drunken Choubaka. (or however the hell you spell it)

[Swordslash]

I got one

Theres this little kid he walks on the bus geeks in front cool kids in back.
Theres a empty seat behind the bus driver, he sits.
They start driving, the kid goes up to the bus driver and says "what if my mommy was a lamma and my daddy was a lamma I would be a little lamma."
The bus driver dosent really mind. And AGAIN the kid pulls up and says "what if my mommy was a cow and my daddy was a cow I would be a little cow." The bus driver grumbles.
The he pulls up for the last time, "what if my mommy was a goat and my daddy was a got I would be a little goat."
Then the bus driver stops and says "what if your daddy was a gayfer and your mommy was a lezbo!?!" The kid replys "then ide be a bus driver!!!" :D

[Ghost_of_War]

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.


What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.



What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive and caring?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.


What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."


What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

[Ghost_of_War]

YouTube - &quot;Wedding cake&quot; from Man Stroke Woman